if you want to learn, stop moving.

i'm finally 17, which is nice, it's no 18, but it'll do.
it's summer of grade 11 and now I'm approaching my final year of high school,
it's bittersweet, well it's far more sweet than bitter. It feels good. You see, you grow up, or at least you try, and we try to move faster and faster with every day. It's true what they say we move to fast, it's like nothing can even permeate into us. We won't let anything grasp us, or touch us, with that, we'll never learn. As of late, my method to knowledge is simply slowing down, observing, and appreciating what beauty there is. Any emotions or visuals really penetrate into my soul, and leaves an imprint which I can look back on and really understand. I am still learning of course, and it's so much better than before. I'm at peace with myself, the world, and a trying at understanding "the meaning of life". I'm finding more and more that this question is almost meaningless, and unnecessary. I'm starting to accept that i'll never really know, and I'm pretty okay with that. The pursuit of understanding life after death is fairly simple, I think I just wanted to know I would be okay, I was just looking for a peace that lasts, more than a few hours, or days or weeks. I had lost hope in happiness in this life, and I was searching for happiness beyond it. That's what philosophy, religion, and the lives of many consists of: giving up the idea of omnipresent happiness yet still slightly grasping to it. Well here I am grasping it, I don't need the "idea", because it's here, existing in me everywhere I go. I'm rolling my eyes as I type, I'm so damned grateful to be where I am, who I am, it kills me; it's too good and it's true. When you find peace in this life, you could really care less about the aftermath. If there is a hell, I don't see how logical it could be to send someone perfectly healthy who cares about people, who just wants to help, off to burn, just because they didn't live their life according to a standard book. I don't want to be another slave only one with a blindfold. I don't want to solely accept any one documentation as truth, I don't want to believe life is only suffering, and I won't. I want to go after my dreams, I don't want to wait for something: an act of God or fate to work as a catalyst pushing me through life. I want to push myself through anything life brings my way, and I want to reject any fear that society has worked so hard to instill into me. I'm tired of hearing "No", in most cases who would be the one telling me that I couldn't do something? it would only be someone who's trying to hold me back, be it because they are afraid of being obsolete in my life, or because they'd like to get ahead of me, and who would I be if I listened? I'd be my worst fear, and as I've said I want to reject that. This whole being free thing, it's really working for me. To be young and free, Wild in the most relaxing sense.

possession obsession

We have the resources to stay fed, we have permanent shelter that keeps us out of the cold, and likely, we all have over 7 shirts and 3 pairs of pants. We have all the materialistic items we'll ever need. However it is becoming more apparent that our greatest desire is to be accepted and approved of by social standards. The two most consistent pursuits: money & Happiness; a great majority are linking the two subjects, and a great majority are finding themselves unfulfilled and broke.
How often do we hear the same conversation: " How was your break?", "Good, I shopped", we are a society of beggars & buyers. We beg for approval, and we buy our ideas of success. Personally, I won't usually spend over 20$ over most things, I don't have a cellphone, I don't go to fancy restaurants every weekend, and I could care less. I am the most fulfilled, and the most Happy I've ever been in years.
Our consumerist society has a spending money that we don't even have, and we're paying for it now as you can see from the economic recession. What logic is that? Spending money that isn't ours, why would anyone do that? Keeping up appearances. Taking out hundreds of thousands dollars worth of loans; loans for sleeker cars, bigger houses, and trips to resorts. Do we see a trend here? We already have cars, homes, and beaches 20 minutes away, but we want more, we're so unsatisfied with the luxuries that we are so unbelievably lucky to have. There are countries where food; clothing; and homes, and RUNNING WATER is a luxury. In our country, we have everything we need, "But mom, I NEED an Ipod Touch, and I NEED an xbox360, and I NEED news UGGS, and I NEED hair extensions, and I NEED 50 $ to go out tonight, and I NEED a new car, I just got my license!" Or else what? We won't get to sit with the same crowd at lunch? The only thing any of this proves is what everyone needs is self respect, and some self-esteem. There are bigger problems than you, and your clothes, and your cars, and your hair. Selfish and Selfless sound a lot alike, but they are completely opposite; try the second one every so often, and be grateful because we HAVE so much, while we DESERVE so little of it.

Stalled.

I'm 16 years old. I'm 16 years old.. I'm 16 years old.

I'll say it over, and over, and it feels like I have to convince myself. I really don't feel 16 years old at all. When I think of 16 years old, I think of all the people at my highschool, I think of the people who speak twice as loud in public, so that EVERYONE can hear them. I think of the kids on the transit bus, who are so completely ridiculous, the girls and boys who drink themselves silly every single fucking weekend, trying to get stupid and touch eachother. I think of the kids who get high everyday, I think of the kids in the library, much rather hiding, than anything else. The girls with their barely there skirts, and 4 inch heels, the girls who don't respect themselves, the 16 year olds who have no respect at all. With few exceptions, I am so unlike the typical idea of a 16 year old.

At first I thought to myself, shit, why did I have to grow up so fast? Why do I have to know as much as I do? Why can't I just be another ignorant highschool student who just wants to have "fun". Then I remember that really, they're not. I remember what went on in my mind when I was them, in those same situations, and then I just feel bad for them. They're really kind of, stuck, stalled. They're repeating the same unproductive existence, never growing, just kind of staying the same. I don't think they're "stupid", but knowledge means nothing unless it is taken into effect. No one cares to make a difference anymore, they are fine being a waste of flesh and bone and brain.

So I start to think back to me, because no matter how much a observe others, I will always look to myself, and analyze as well. I find that I don't fuck up, because I'm really dumb, and don't know any better. Right now, when I make bad decisions, it's because i'm stuck, i'm stalled. I think differently than 95% of the people around, they don't think the way I do, they have very little to offer me mentally, and honestly it gets pretty fucking lonely, being so unlike even your best friends. So I decide to do stupid things, I dumb myself down, so I can atleast feel a bit connected, I fuck up because it makes me feel a little more like everyone else, and it's really "not a matter of wrong or right, it's about how it makes you feel". I do think it's pathetic though, that in this world, I have to create defects, to be able to bond.

That's why I am stuck, I'm 16 with purpose and direction, I am pleased with myself, and I haven't quite found too many people who are like-minded. I'll go on though, day to day, through highschool being constantly surrounded by people so unlike myself, for the next year and a half.

I cannot wait for the sweet release of graduation. I could be wrong, and not much will change, but any change fron highschool, is honestly so much to be thankful for.

goodbyes come and go

you slid into and out of my life, so perfectly, it was almost an art. and I pawed at you, like you were a thing of the present, that you weren't already gone, or that maybe it could be the same, but it's never like that. Believe me, I am not devoid of sentiment, I am not completely full of pain, my life is not empty, but life is full of pain, you can't give yourself to something knowing all it has to offer you is pain, their pain is all they have, and it's all they can give. When you realize that everything means all of you, and only you, it's really different, you're really different. Simply you can't give love, if you never had it to begin with, but you do, you always do. It's always with you, but if you never look, you'll never find it. If you try and give it, out of thin air, it's completely that, so vacuous. It's like you made it up, it's just a story, and stories are barely real, and all have unanswered ending. If you want a story, you'll receive a brief moment in time, that's all you get. You never let it be. It starts with you, and you never just let it go, let yourself go, and you were hiding behind pretty words, and it made me hurt.

confidence vs cockiness

Where exactly is the line drawn? I don't really know.

I consider myself a very confident person. I generally really like myself, and in this day and age, it seems pretty rare. I'm my own idea of what I think I should be, in that right, I feel I make very little mistakes.

I tried, but i can't do it, I am not humble. I think it's great to think you're great, and I'm not going to shut up and act like I don't, or say I don't, no i'm not parading around in a swimsuit with a large sign saying I'm perfect. All I'm saying is if the subject of myself comes up, I won't talk down. With this said, I think a lot of people mistake me for being cocky.

cock·y

adj. cock·i·er, cock·i·est Overly self-assertive or self-confident. cock'i·ly adv., cock'i·ness n.

Who's to say how much you're allowed to like yourself? I think it's just so incredibly common that people think so little of themselves and are so unhappy with their lives that when I show that I'm not weak, I'm not stupid, I'm not fake, I'm not self-loathing, that I've accepted myself wholely, I have goals, and standards, they assume it can't be real, that i'm just some sad little girl trying to keep up appearances. They refer to what they think cocky is, which is someone who tries to appear better than they are to hide the fact that they really don't like themselves. Besides the fact that that is so far from me. I really do love myself, but I definitely love others, I love making people happy, and making people feel good about themselves, I try to get people to see themselves and treat themselves the way I treat & see myself.

I guess so be it, I am cocky, I am overly confident, because I like myself a little more than you may like yourself. That's fine. Hate me, but know that I don't. I also won't feed your hatred by hating you, because I don't, I wouldn't waste my time.

decisions.

As we all know, life consists of numerous decisions, these decisions will determine the course and quality of your life, so you'd want to make good ones wouldn't you?

Well I'm at a point in my life where I have this huge decision I need to make, it can make or break me, and it's quite frightening. My impulsive need to indulge could be the death of me, or the best of me. I haven't quite decided.lol. I'm trying to make the utmost best decisions for myself, and it would seem obviosu that this shouldn't be something I decide to do, but it's not. My artistic creativity fiends for it, and I like it, which I haven't decided if it's good or bad.

I feel that If I carry this on, it would be the biggest self-test for me, and i'm completely intrigued. I already think I have amazing self control & control of others (sounds worse than it is), and this would be the ultimate test, but if I fail. I truly would fail. It's scary, really scary. If I told anyone else they just wouldn't get it, but it makes perfect sense to me. Strictly because I completely understand myself, I know myself really well, I feel I can trust myself, but this is a great gamble.

The worst part is , I've already decided, and now, all I have to do is wait.

The Bubble

I don't really know what a blog should entail, but I'll write anyway.

My first topic: The Bubble.

I spent the majority of my sophomore year apart of a church youth group, it just kind of happened that way. I was completely immersed in the people & the lifestyle. I gave up drinking and smoking, partying, with a few exceptions. I was the typical christian goodie good, or atleast I tried.

It's now a year later, I am not the typical christian goodie good, and I pray to God I never will be.

Now that I can say I've done the partying thing, I've done the Jesus thing, I can start doing my own thing. When I was partying, I was in the bubble, you couldnt dare change my mind, while I was in the christian bubble, you couldn't dare change my mind. In either bubble, it was horrible, I was horrible.

Party Bubble (for me)= constantly lying, backstabbing, faking my way through every day.
Christian Bubble (for me)= I became overly judgemental, rude, hateful & less compassionate.

In both bubbles, I was surrounded by listeners & followers, rarely any doers or speakers.

So now, this is me, all me, I refuse to lose myself again. I refuse to be apart of the bubble again.
The is no ultimate good that comes from being apart of either bubble. If you're scared, I suppose you can stay sheltered in either way, or you can burst it, and really start living. I couldn't be happier or feel more successful. If there is anything in your life that tells you to stop being you, or to be like everyone else, that doesn't really affect you positively, or gets you to treat your own family bad, step out of that bubble, there is so much fear, yet none at all outside the bubble. I've seen true unhappiness in both bubbles, not only in myself, but in everyone else inside as well, the fear of bursting it consumes them, it consumed me until now.

You're never going to be the best you can be, when your mind isn't open to anything more than what you've always known. You can't step forward if you've been building a wall. Have your own mind & speak it. Be yourself, not a carbon copy of preconceived perfection, live with feeling, I see empty hearts, and it breaks mine, I see empty minds, and it makes me lose mine.

There is so much evil & negativity everywhere, so you have to make that choice for yourself, what's it going to be? True happiness? or are you going to live in mediocrity by the book, whether that book be the bible or a biography of your favourite fucked up character. Are you going to be a remake, or be the most original you can be. Follow your own dreams, or watch others do it & settle. This is YOUR life, you get one, you can hold onto all your fears and past disappointments or let them go, and be your own boss or you can stay in the bubble watching life go by. The bubble will never be a place I choose to stay. Burst it, before you can too comfortable. The fact is you have more control than you know, Why let it go, and be controlled by whichever bubble your letting trap you?

I know my answer, Do you know yours?