Stalled.

I'm 16 years old. I'm 16 years old.. I'm 16 years old.

I'll say it over, and over, and it feels like I have to convince myself. I really don't feel 16 years old at all. When I think of 16 years old, I think of all the people at my highschool, I think of the people who speak twice as loud in public, so that EVERYONE can hear them. I think of the kids on the transit bus, who are so completely ridiculous, the girls and boys who drink themselves silly every single fucking weekend, trying to get stupid and touch eachother. I think of the kids who get high everyday, I think of the kids in the library, much rather hiding, than anything else. The girls with their barely there skirts, and 4 inch heels, the girls who don't respect themselves, the 16 year olds who have no respect at all. With few exceptions, I am so unlike the typical idea of a 16 year old.

At first I thought to myself, shit, why did I have to grow up so fast? Why do I have to know as much as I do? Why can't I just be another ignorant highschool student who just wants to have "fun". Then I remember that really, they're not. I remember what went on in my mind when I was them, in those same situations, and then I just feel bad for them. They're really kind of, stuck, stalled. They're repeating the same unproductive existence, never growing, just kind of staying the same. I don't think they're "stupid", but knowledge means nothing unless it is taken into effect. No one cares to make a difference anymore, they are fine being a waste of flesh and bone and brain.

So I start to think back to me, because no matter how much a observe others, I will always look to myself, and analyze as well. I find that I don't fuck up, because I'm really dumb, and don't know any better. Right now, when I make bad decisions, it's because i'm stuck, i'm stalled. I think differently than 95% of the people around, they don't think the way I do, they have very little to offer me mentally, and honestly it gets pretty fucking lonely, being so unlike even your best friends. So I decide to do stupid things, I dumb myself down, so I can atleast feel a bit connected, I fuck up because it makes me feel a little more like everyone else, and it's really "not a matter of wrong or right, it's about how it makes you feel". I do think it's pathetic though, that in this world, I have to create defects, to be able to bond.

That's why I am stuck, I'm 16 with purpose and direction, I am pleased with myself, and I haven't quite found too many people who are like-minded. I'll go on though, day to day, through highschool being constantly surrounded by people so unlike myself, for the next year and a half.

I cannot wait for the sweet release of graduation. I could be wrong, and not much will change, but any change fron highschool, is honestly so much to be thankful for.